Has it really been 25 years since I ended the Cold War? Time flies, friends.
With that, I re-post one of my personal Porch favorites.
I hear there is video of my dramatic, world-changing performance. I am determined to find and post it. In the meantime, I'm working up a little dance number to bring peace to the Middle East. (I hope I can convince Corey Hart to write a new song.)
How I Ended the Cold War (or Oh My God, Honey, She's Delusional Again!)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever, Reagan.
While some might credit you for the thawing of the Cold War, I know better. I know it was, in fact, my talent at the Henderson, Kentucky, Junior Miss program in the fall of 1987 that eventually resulted in peace between the super powers.
When I was a senior in high school, I participated in the local Junior Miss pageant. Before you judge me, swimsuits were not required. If so, I would have known better than to get involved -- not because I didn't have respect for pageant girls in swimsuits so much as I didn't have boobs to put in said swimsuits.
In the Junior Miss program, contestants are judged in the categories of scholastic achievement, interview, talent, fitness and self-expression. I'm not sure how I measured up in the first four categories, but man, I definitely nailed the last one. If it is one thing I can do, it is express myself (those who read this blog might disagree).
See, I have no real talent to speak of (those who read this blog might agree), so I decided, instead, to make a powerful political statement.That's right. Please keep in mind I had watched Red Dawn and Rocky IV at least 532 times each on HBO, so you can't really blame me. I was all jacked up on slick Hollywood propaganda!
So while other girls in the pageant played classical piano pieces, sang lovely songs from well-known musicals or performed ballet routines, I went .... another route.
I dressed in camouflage and combat boots, marched Soviet-soldier style onto the stage of that small-town middle school and danced to this little-known but totally friggin' awesome Corey Hart song, "Shoot Komrade Kiev."
I was so stoked to find the song on youtube that I actually used the word, "stoked."
In case you were too busy dancing to follow the lyrics (and who could blame you?), they include, "And when the story's finally told/That each man's heart was bought and sold/There was no enemy you see/Only the doubt in you and me."
How could that NOT inspire any compassionate, idealistic young American girl to shake her groove thang between American and Russian flags? Better yet, I culminated my performance by marching silently up to the judges and pointing a gun I'd formed with my fingers in their faces. Oh, yes, I did.
They were speechless, as was most of the audience. But I had made a formidable statement on behalf of Komrade Kiev and GI Joe. Shortly thereafter, the wall fell and the Cold War ceased. Coincidence? I don't think so.
Also, I was third runner-up. Someone close to the pageant later told me I was in the running "up until that controversial talent, young lady!" But hey! What's a pageant title compared to a step toward world peace?