Sunday, October 10, 2010

Top 10 Penned

In honor of my One Year Blog-O-Versary [throws confetti] I have compiled a list of 10 of my favorite posts from the past year. Is this self-serving? Well, duh. But hey! It's my blog-o-versary! If I can't celebrate by eating Chocodiles with Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale while I lovingly comb Paolo Nutini's hair, I can at least compile a Top 10 List.

You know what my spouse said to me yesterday? No, of course you don't, unless you've placed bugs in my swagger wagon, and if you have, I apologize for all the singing. Anyway, he offhandedly remarked that my writing personality is considerably different than my actual personality. I said, "Uh, you're trying to say I'm not funny in person?" And he shrugged his shoulders and looked out the window.

True, I am kind of quiet. But it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for, right? And don't worry. If you meet me in person, I'll lug my computer along so that I can be witty and charming -- only my computer is a desktop, so my posture will be horrendous.

I tell that story because for the past year, the Porch has been a comfortable place to come out of my shell as a writer, and maybe as a person, too. I've written a little bit of everything: personal essays, memoirs, letters, poems, fiction, raps about Chocodiles (don't be hatin', yo!). Those who follow regularly (God bless you), know that the posts range from the lighthearted to the serious, the ridiculous to the raw. I write what I feel, and I guess you'll ultimately be the judge of whether that's good or bad.

Some have suggested I narrow my focus as a writer, and that's probably sage advice. But the joy of the Porch is that I don't have to pigeonhole myself into one genre or mood here. I get to play and romp (and occasionally cyberstalk luscious man candy) and it's all in good fun. (But, um, if any of you wanted to actually pay me for my writing, I'd welcome that. Really. Please. Kids need to eat.)

I hope it's been good for you, too [hands you a cigarette]. I can't thank you enough for putting up with me, sharing the Porch with friends and offering feedback during the past year. You're good people.

So if you're new to the Porch, I offer the following 10 posts (in no particular order) to introduce you to, well, me:

10. One Woman's Dream: An Urgent Appeal to the IOC
9.  A Letter from MidLife
8.  All That Glitters is Definitely Not Gold
7.  A Mother's Prayer
6.  B-B-B-Bats in the Belfry!
5.  This is How You Don't Get Asked to be Room Mother
4.  Fear Not
3.  Milestones
2.  My Real Resolutions for 2010
1.  Simply Thankful

Y'all come back now, ya' hear? You'll always have a seat on the Porch -- but not necessarily a Chocodile. Those don't last long around here.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Happy Blog-O-Versary to Me!

WOOHOO! Guess what I just noticed? I have officially maintained the Porch for one whole year! That's longer than Heidi and Spencer staged divorce proceedings for publicity purposes, so yeah, it's kind of a big deal.

It all began here this time last year. I'm not sure where it ends, but for the past 12 months, I've enjoyed the opportunity to write whatever pops into my head, be they musings about vajazzling or gardening or growing old(er). I hope you've enjoyed my multiple personalities, er, posts.

And no, it is not out of line for you to send me Chocodiles to celebrate my blog-o-versary. I'll be waiting .. on the Porch. See you there!

Friday, October 1, 2010

How I Ended the Cold War (or Oh My God, Honey, She's Delusional Again!)

"General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization, come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" ~ Ronald Reagan, 1987

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever, Reagan.

While some might credit you for the thawing of the Cold War, I know better. I know it was, in fact, my talent at the Henderson, Kentucky, Junior Miss program in the fall of 1987 that eventually resulted in peace between the super powers.

How so?

When I was a senior in high school, I participated in the local Junior Miss pageant. Before you judge me, swimsuits were not required. If so, I would have known better than to get involved  -- not because I didn't have respect for pageant girls in swimsuits so much as I didn't have boobs to put in said swimsuits.

In the Junior Miss program, contestants are judged in the categories of scholastic achievement, interview, talent, fitness and self-expression. I'm not sure how I measured up in the first four categories, but man, I definitely nailed the last one. If it is one thing I can do, it is express myself (those who read this blog might disagree).

See, I have no real talent to speak of (those who read this blog might agree), so I decided, instead, to make a powerful political statement.That's right. Please keep in mind I had watched Red Dawn and Rocky IV at least 532 times each on HBO, so you can't really blame me. I was all jacked up on slick Hollywood propaganda!

So while other girls in the pageant played classical piano pieces, sang lovely songs from well-known musicals or performed ballet routines, I went .... another route.

I dressed in camouflage and combat boots, marched Soviet-soldier style onto the stage of that small-town middle school and danced to this little-known but totally friggin' awesome Corey Hart song, "Shoot Komrade Kiev."

I was so stoked to find the song on youtube that I actually used the word, "stoked."

In case you were too busy dancing to follow the lyrics (and who could blame you?), they include, "And when the story's finally told/That each man's heart was bought and sold/There was no enemy you see/Only the doubt in you and me."

How could that NOT inspire any compassionate, idealistic young American girl to shake her groove thang between American and Russian flags? Better yet, I culminated my performance by marching silently up to the judges and pointing a gun I'd formed with my fingers in their faces. Oh, yes, I did.

They were speechless, as was most of the audience. But I had made a formidable statement on behalf of Komrade Kiev and GI Joe. Shortly thereafter, the wall fell and the Cold War ceased. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Also, I was third runner-up. Someone close to the pageant later told me I was in the running "up until that controversial talent, young lady!"  But hey! What's a pageant title compared to a step toward world peace?