Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Midlife Confronts Gravity (then eats Oreo)

This is what denial looks like.
Last night, after enduring crunches and planks; slathering on buckets of regenerating serum; and tugging at the corners of my eyes to see how I once looked, I climbed into bed. Unfortunately, I had insomnia, another lovely gift of getting older.

Before long, crazy words were jostling around my 40-something head. I could not sleep, so I put them to paper.

I dedicate the deep, Shakespearean-esque work below to all the ladies who are spending their kids' college funds on the latest anti-wrinkle creams; enduring needles and lasers during lunch hours; and coloring their roots every six weeks.

It is for those who are smushing blistered toes into too-high heels and squeezing bellies that carried babies into skinny jeans, while secretly yearning for Keds and sweatpants (you know you are).

It is for the women who wonder where their lips went ... and why their eyebrows now have perms.

It is for those who wax, tweeze, pluck and shave -- their faces.

It is for the gals who reach for the apple instead of the Oreo, but then go back and eat an entire sleeve of Oreos, because duh. They're Oreos.

It is for those who secretly thank God for push-up bras, shapewear, Crest whitening strips and photo editing. I won't tell if you won't.

And yes, it is for those of us who hope, fervently, that Megan Fox now has stretchmarks.

It is for you, my beautiful sisters, with love.

We are strong!
We are invincable!
We are... tired.

Will someone pass me the remote and a pair of elastic-waist pants? I think Honey Boo Boo is on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Anti-Ode to Gravity

Oh, Gravity!
How I hate thee
That maketh sag
such parts of me.

Wrinkles you bestow
most mercilessly!
Upon thine eyes, thine neck
Thine elbows and knees.

What once was pert
And dare I say perky?
Now swings to and fro
Like the neck of a turkey.

I toil and sweat
Heave and hustle.
Alas! My ass
Forgets it ever held muscle.

Fight you, I will!
With creams and tonics,
And the Oil of Old Lady.

No, I shall NOT
Give in to thee.
Thanks to "Cougartown"
I emulate Courteney!

I shall don highest heels
I shall buy lacy cups
To take what you dropped
And push it back up.

Oh, Gravity
I declare WAR!
And speak for all women
When I say... UP YOURS!

By Penned from the Porch, courtesy of insomnia

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