Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Keep Your Enemies Closer

Today, of all days, we should set aside our differences, and in the spirit of the United States of America, reach across the proverbial aisle to embrace our neighbors, even those who think and vote differently.

Disclaimer: Don't worry. Other than the occasional joke, I generally avoid political posts here on the Porch. So please read on before tuning into another episode of Honey Boo Boo to escape a political story. (At least that is your excuse for watching Honey Boo Boo. It's okay. We all have one. I watch it so I can learn how to make redneck slip-and-slides. No judgment here.)

For the record, I don't just talk the talk; I walk the walk. If fact, I power walk the walk like Richard Simmons in sequined short-shorts. I'm not only reaching across the aisle, I'm walking down the dang thing.

That's right .... and left.

I, the Democratiest Democrat, am marrying the Republicaniest Republican. Good Lord, the things you do for your country. Honestly, I'm still not sure how this will work, so I looked for guidance from the experts.

One of the most famous politically opposed duos, James Carville and Mary Matalin, were asked on CNN how they stay married without killing each other. Here is how they responded:

Carville: I don't have a position on anything domestically. So I just say yes, and then go on and do it. I mean it. I would say the three ingredients to successful marriage are surrender, capitulation and retreat.  If you've got those three things --  [Laughter.]

Matalin: Spoken like a true liberal. What a martyr. Faith, family and good wine. That's how we do it.

Ah. Just as I suspected: Wine is always the answer. The question is irrelevant.

Perhaps we should take a bottle of vino over to my fiance's neighbors to apologize for our frequent political "discussions." I'm sure they are weary of listening to our super polite, respectful, meaningful dialogue -- which we just happen to yell -- to make sure the other person hears how polite and respectful we are being.

Any little thing can prompt a full-fledged debate: my fiance watching Fox News while nodding vehemently in my direction; me accidentally dropping his Rush Limbaugh "Patriot Police" mug and then also accidentally stomping on the pieces.

Whatever the case, we're soon going at it like Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck; like Bill O'Reilly and Jon Stewart; like twin boy #1 debating with twin boy #2:

If you're wondering, I'm the one missing a sock. Sure, I could go to my bedroom and retrieve another sock. But that's an awful lot of work, and I'm a Democrat. I'll just wait for someone to bring me one. (That was for you conservative readers. I love you, too.)

A friend or two have suggested we actually video our debates, for their viewing pleasure. I don't know about that, but I'll happily provide you with a transcript:

Me: YELLYELLYELLclosedmindedconservativeYELLYELLYELL
Him: YELLYELLYELLliberalmainstreammediaYELLYELLYELL
Him: All this incredibly polite political discussion has made me hungry. You want a donut?
Me: Heck yes, I do!
Me and Him: I love you.

God bless America. And donuts.

One friend has begged me to let her watch the election night results with us. She said something about inviting people and charging admission to "the show." Ha! Like we'll be able to be in the same house on election night. It would be fine until one of us started the I-told-you-so happy dance -- and then we'd owe the neighbors more wine.

Hopefully, no matter the results, we'll remember on Nov. 7 that love trumps politics. My big ol' bleeding heart has a place in it for everyone, and my conservative counterpart occupies a giant chunk of it. It's proof that God has a sense of humor.

What He has joined together, let no election put asunder.

I'll keep you posted on the state of our union.

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