How I Ended the Cold War (or Oh My God, Honey, She's Delusional Again!)

"General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization, come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" ~ Ronald Reagan, 1987

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever, Reagan.

While some might credit you for the thawing of the Cold War, I know better. I know it was, in fact, my talent at the Henderson, Kentucky, Junior Miss program in the fall of 1987 that eventually resulted in peace between the super powers.

How so?

When I was a senior in high school, I participated in the local Junior Miss pageant. Before you judge me, swimsuits were not required. If so, I would have known better than to get involved  -- not because I didn't have respect for pageant girls in swimsuits so much as I didn't have boobs to put in said swimsuits.

In the Junior Miss program, contestants are judged in the categories of scholastic achievement, interview, talent, fitness and self-expression. I'm not sure how I measured up in the first four categories, but man, I definitely nailed the last one. If it is one thing I can do, it is express myself (those who read this blog might disagree).

See, I have no real talent to speak of (those who read this blog might agree), so I decided, instead, to make a powerful political statement.That's right. Please keep in mind I had watched Red Dawn and Rocky IV at least 532 times each on HBO, so you can't really blame me. I was all jacked up on slick Hollywood propaganda!

So while other girls in the pageant played classical piano pieces, sang lovely songs from well-known musicals or performed ballet routines, I went .... another route.

I dressed in camouflage and combat boots, marched Soviet-soldier style onto the stage of that small-town middle school and danced to this little-known but totally friggin' awesome Corey Hart song, "Shoot Komrade Kiev."

I was so stoked to find the song on youtube that I actually used the word, "stoked."

In case you were too busy dancing to follow the lyrics (and who could blame you?), they include, "And when the story's finally told/That each man's heart was bought and sold/There was no enemy you see/Only the doubt in you and me."

How could that NOT inspire any compassionate, idealistic young American girl to shake her groove thang between American and Russian flags? Better yet, I culminated my performance by marching silently up to the judges and pointing a gun I'd formed with my fingers in their faces. Oh, yes, I did.

They were speechless, as was most of the audience. But I had made a formidable statement on behalf of Komrade Kiev and GI Joe. Shortly thereafter, the wall fell and the Cold War ceased. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Also, I was third runner-up. Someone close to the pageant later told me I was in the running "up until that controversial talent, young lady!"  But hey! What's a pageant title compared to a step toward world peace?

WOLVERINES!!!!!!