Monday, April 12, 2010

All that Glitters is Definitely NOT Gold

Disclaimer: As I've developed this blog, I've had two friends give me completely different reactions to it. One friend has chastised my work as too "saccharin", while another said he sometimes finds my posts "vulgar." Somewhere in the middle lies the truth, I suppose. Or maybe it depends on which writing personality shows up on the Porch (I welcome all of my inner voices, regardless of their political/cultural/religious affiliations. As long as I get something written, I'm good. I figure in the end, there's a little somethin' somethin' for everyone).

This particular post, however, most likely will be filed under "vulgar." You've been warned, family members and non-vulgar-lovin' folks. Stop reading right this very second or risk jabbing pencils through your mind's eye later.

Why? 'Cause I'm writing about my glittering up my vajayjay (Dammit. I told you to stop reading up there! Go away, already!).


Gee, thanks, Jennifer Love Hewitt!

It's bad enough that I have to decide how to style and color the hair on my head, but now I have to worry about stylin' and profilin' down yonder, too.

That's right. You had to go public (or would that be pubic?) with the concept of vajazzling. For those of you who don't pay any attention to Jennifer Love Bigtits - and that would be plenty of you, I imagine - vajazzling is basically bedazzling your lady parts with crystals. Remember the Bedazzler, the little bead gun that adds instant state-fair quality tackiness to otherwise nice clothes?

With vajazzling, the pubic area is shaved or waxed, then genuine Swarovski crystals are applied to the, um, upper pelvic area. Thank goodness they are genuine Swarovski, or else it would be tacky. Once the crystals are adhered (with a substance similar to eyelash glue) it's like a big ol' disco ball down there - all glitzy and sparkly and dazzling. Depending on how fast the hair grows back, the crystals last a few days to a week before falling off on their own.

According to my extensive research (about 10 minutes online, at least), salons in New York and Los Angeles report that vajazzling is catching on quickly and is a popular trend for special occasions - like weddings, anniversaries, Valentine's Day and birthdays.

Women can choose custom designs or go with popular vaginal flair like hearts, peace signs, flowers and snowflakes. When completed, I imagine your previously dull, boring vajayjay has been transformed into something FAB-ulous like this:

Why would anyone turn a perfectly nice vagina into a Christmas ornament, you ask?

Good question. Hewitt says she was bummed about a break up with a boyfriend, so a friend convinced her to try vajazzling. The crystals made her happier, she says, and boosted her self-esteem. Apparently, decorated hoo-has are the 2010 equivalent of eating ice cream out of the carton.

Sounds silly, but I actually found more than 1,000 fans of vajazzling on facebook. One fan page declares, "The body is a temple -- why not spice up the decor with a little glitz & glam! Vajazzle your va-jay-jay today!"

One female fan said, "All hail the Vajazz!", while a male fan posted, "My wife vajazzled …and all I can say is…oh my."

So there you have it. The lady business apparently needs more bling. It wasn't enough that we women had to worry about Brazilians or landing strips or nice, neat little triangles (though I suppose I should be thankful the triangle was the chosen shape, and not, oh, say, an octagon. Can you imagine the waxing precision that would take? Crap. I probably just gave Hewitt another idea).

Now we must bejewel our booties to boost our self-confidence! And to think, I never even pierced my ears. But if the Edward Cullen phenomenon is any indication, sparkles do make us ladies happy. Maybe I should dress up the lady business and add a little glitter - or would that be clitter?

After all, I'm turning 40 next week. I might as well have my 30s go out in style, right?

If I'm going to do this, I want to do it MY way, so no copycat roses or hearts for me down there. Nope. I've given this a great deal of thought (at least 30 seconds worth).

You all know of my affinity for rare, delicious Hostess Chocodiles, right?

Now imagine their mascot, my beloved Chauncy the Chocodile… in Swarovski crystals…on my lady business!

Awwwwww, yeaaaaaahhhhhh. Bling it on!


  1. I just cackled and snorted. Loudly. It was unattractive. Please don't hold anything back!

    ps. I now have some friends stalking you, too, and they wouldn't want you to tone it down, either.