Saturday, January 2, 2010

My *Real* Resolutions for 2010 (in no particular order)

1. I resolve to hurl a brick through the television if I hear the SportsCenter theme song one. more. time. (Husband is a high school football coach who, at the time of this posting, has been away from the field house for two excruciatingly long weeks of Christmas vacation).

2. On that note, I also resolve to rework the college football bowl series. My God, do you know how many televised bowl games there are? Can anyone keep up? There's the Cotton Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl, the Sugar Bowl, the Rose Bowl, the Music City Bowl, the Liberty Bowl, the Toilet Bowl, the Chili Bowl Haircut Bowl, the Cereal Bowl, the Cannabis Bowl, the We Just Made This Bowl Game Up to Drive Your Wife Insane Bowl…. Please, bowl organizers, there are only so many Lifetime movies I can watch in retaliation.

3. That brings me to the fruit bowl: Mine is full of boring, blasé apples, oranges and bananas; therefore, I resolve to buy - and, get this - eat an exotic fruit this year. Starfruit, I'm coming for you! (Ooooo. Don't try to keep up people. I'm too wild for you.)

4. Once I am fueled by exotic passion fruits, I resolve to make out with Paolo Nutini, Hugh Jackman and/or Christian Bale this year - should they lift the restraining orders. Don't worry. They're on my "list". To be fair, I told the husband he could make out with Halle Berry, should she ditch her model lover and take an interest. I know. I'm too good to him.

5. I resolve to spend my last night in my thirties with Bon Jovi. I have the ticket to prove it! If someone could get in touch with Jon and arrange for him to sing "Happy Birthday" to me during his Nashville gig on April 21st, I'd be most appreciative.

6. I resolve to write Hostess and urge them to once again sell Chocodiles east of the Mississippi. Don't we all deserve chocolate-coated, cream-filled, spongy goodness? Californians enjoy 70-degree days in January. They shouldn't get that kind of weather and Chocodiles. There's no justice in this world.

7. When driving with my children in the car, I resolve to try not to yell things like, "They made turn signals for a reason, ASSHOLE!" This might be my most unrealistic resolution (Number 4 could happen, people. You just have to believe…and persuade the judge).

8. I resolve to try to "hip" up my blog - like all the cool, 20-something hipster bloggers - by writing more about masturbation and tossing out the f-word like candy at a small-town Christmas parade. Turns out, I already wrote about masturbation (see earlier post about Facebook groups), which means I am so much freakin' cooler than I thought I was. ("Freakin'" is the f-word, right?)

9. I resolve to break into a random dance every time I wash dishes. I already do this 70 percent of the time, so I feel pretty confident about this one. I can do it!

10. I resolve to turn off the radio every time I hear a Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift song, or one in which a male singer refers to a woman as "shawty."

11. I resolve to get a manicure this year. I've never had my nails professionally done. Ever. I also don’t have pierced ears, a closet full of shoes and bags or a chest full of jewelry. I think I'm missing the "high-maintenance" chromosome.

12. I resolve to relentlessly cyber stalk Joel Stein, who is witty, humorous, handsome and brilliant. As if that weren't enough, he has fantastic hair. I'm not just saying that because I want him to read my blog. But I want him to read my blog.

13. While I was a child of the '80s and find the '80s-influenced fashions so very appealing, I resolve to remember the golden rule of fashion: If you wore it the first time, you can't wear it the second time. Old women with words printed across the ass of your sweat pants: I'm talking to you.

14. I resolve to do something daring and out-of-character. Oh, crap. I already wrote about eating a new fruit, didn't I?

15. I resolve to not make my fat Siamese cat dance to Beyonce (But she likes it! Really! All the single ladies...all the single put your paws up...)

16. I resolve to learn to text on my iPhone with both thumbs, instead of the one-fingered Sleestack technique I've been fumbling with for months.

17. I resolve to read more good stuff. I also resolve to write more good stuff (this particular post notwithstanding).

18. Most importantly, I resolve to ignore all New Year's resolutions if and when I feel like it -- except for number four. I'm keeping that one.


  1. Great List! I especially like #4, but sorry Hugh is mine.

  2. you almost had me believing you were serious about this list until i got to #17. ha! ha!

    everyone knows kentuckians can't read.

  3. ha!!! great and "real"!!!
    ps. i bet this one wasn't penned from the porch... BRRR!!!