Scenes from a Marriage: Why I Deserve an Awesome Valentine's Day Gift

[The setting: In the husband's car, driving to meet friends across the river for dinner. Mark is flipping through radio stations, but we can't find a station we both enjoy. I open his console to search his CD collection.]

Me: Look at all of these cassettes! I haven't seen cassettes in forever. I still can't believe you actually have a cassette player in your car.
Husband: Ha. I know. Maybe we should listen to one?
Me: What all do you have in here?  [picks out random cassette and opens it to read contents]. Ah, it looks like you made this tape. Let's see.. Eric Clapton 'You Look Wonderful Tonight'; Phil Collins 'Against All Odds'; Jeff Healy 'Angel Eyes'... Oh. My. God. This is a mix tape. You made this as a mix tape for someone!
Husband: Hahahahaha. Maybe I did. Put it in and let's listen to it.
Me: Sure. [pops in cassette] Seal? Kiss from a Rose? Dude, you had it baaaaad.
Husband: This is more than a mix tape. This is a love-you-all-night-long tape [takes my hand]. Let's listen and enjoy.

We continue to drive down the road to the '90's romantic musical styling of Genesis, Mazzy Star, Hootie and the Blowfish. Mark reminisced about his law school days, while I gave him grief for his love-sick mix tape.

All was fine and dandy, until....until...

THIS.

Carly's Simon's "Nobody Does it Better" suddenly filled the car.

Me: WHAT THE FUDGE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Dude, you also have sent ME this song.

Husband: What? I did? Noooo, I didn't. Did I?

Me: Oh, yes. You did. And you can't do that. You cannot send the song "Nobody Does it Better" to more than one person in a lifetime. The whole point of the song is that NOBODY does it better!

Husband: Uh... Um... But honey, nobody does it better than you. And that's the truth.

Me: Nice try, Casanova. Valentine's Day is next week, and by gosh, you'd better top this mix tape. When it comes to Valentine's Day romance, nobody better do it better than you.

Husband: You know, maybe we shouldn't listen to this tape anymore [ejects cassette, probably wishing the eject button also applied to his passenger seat].

Me: Now I know why Carly Simon wrote bitter songs.