Friday, February 26, 2010

Suck It, Winter!

Hey, Winter! Go away! Nobody likes you anymore, and by nobody, I mean me. And everyone else. And your Mom.

The following are my top 10 reasons why winter can suck it:

10. Winter is clearly the culprit behind my epic case of blogger's block this week. Thanks for sticking around and visiting the Porch even though I've struggled with posts lately (just read this one if you need an example). You're soooo good to me - unlike winter, which is a rotten SOB. I suspect winter is the love child of Ann Coulter and Hitler.

9. I can't take any more clever plays on snow words: snowpocalypse, snowmageddon, catasnowphe. Please, you punny people: Snow more!

8. Winter made me peel the plastic off of a big-ass block of cheddar cheese and eat it like a candy bar. Surprisingly, it did not have a nougat center.

7. Winter also made me bread and fry everything in my house: onions, pickles, banana peppers, donuts, bacon, bacon-wrapped donuts... (See that down there? I made that. Actually, now that I think about it, this was the only part of winter I've enjoyed).

6. I've forgotten what I look like beneath the thick purple fleece robe I've dubbed the "Grape Ape." But I'm guessing if I ever disrobed, underneath Grape Ape you'd find "the suit", which is flannel pants, a football t-shirt and an unbuttoned flannel pajama top that may or may not match the pants. Don't scoff. I'm a hot mess, if by "hot" you mean "sweating because she is covered from head to toe in flannel and fleece."

5. Thanks to winter, I have been so bored that - get this - I actually considered having sex as a form of entertainment. My spouse was incredibly excited by the prospect; unfortunately, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, forcing the husband to wait an additional six weeks for the Grape Ape's removal. Tough break, honey! Only a few more weeks! (Umm, can anyone get me Phil's digits? I might need him to see his shadow around March 20. Thanks).

4. Winter has turned me into the old lady who drinks coffee all day long and opens a facebook account for her cat. I'd close it, if she weren't so darn witty with the updates: Kitteh iz not amused by her photo on Icanhazcheezburger and will cut youz bitchez.

3. Winter brings out my cruel streak. I built a snowman only for the sick satisfaction of watching him suffer a slow, horrible demise once the temperature reached 40. It was oddly satisfying to watch his giant snow head plop off and roll down our front-yard hill - though not as satisfying as, oh say, fried banana peppers.

2. Winter is the culprit behind increasing tension between Americans and Russians. Olympic figure skaters Evan Lysacek and Evgeni Plushenko are just one tickle fight away from launching us into a new Cold War, or Ice War, to be precise. When the American Lysacek (who has bangs) captured the gold medal, defending champion and Vancouver silver medalist Plushenko (who has a mullet) claimed men's figure skating was now merely "dancing." Of course, Plushenko said this as he was wearing a sparkly unitard. To add insult to injury, Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin sent Plushenko a telegram that said his silver medal was "worth gold." Plushenko one-upped that, declaring on his web site that he won "platinum" in Vancouver. Clearly, these two studs need to get back in the rink and present "Rocky IV on Ice", so Americans can once again unite over our mutual hatred of Russians. WOLVERINES!

1. Winter tests my patience. Spring, wonderful Spring, will show itself eventually. I know it will. But until then, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.


  1. weht morning weather says... "spring-like temps heading into the weekend"!!! woooooot:)

  2. you do make me laugh, certainly do. big kiss. x