Saturday, November 14, 2009

There's a Group for That

Today I say, "Thank you, Facebook."

You have brought me new friends and reconnected me with old ones. You have given me an outlet for annoying people on a daily basis and posting thousands of obnoxious photos of my children. You have nearly completed my collection of old boyfriends and taught me how to use the self-timer on the camera so I can take my own profile pics. But most importantly, you are the ultimate tool for a procrastinator extraordinaire.

In my ongoing effort to put off writing, cooking sensible meals for my children (Hello? That's why God made PopTarts) or cleaning the house, I spent an entire morning perusing Facebook groups and fan pages for my own amusement. I am not immature, but I had a fantastic time typing words like "buttcrack" into the search engine to see what would pop up in Facebook Land.

The following are 10 of my favorites:

1. What Do Bacon Do?

According to its information, this group formed to "build a better world through laughter and bacon." Since I dig both giggles and pork, this one makes me extremely happy. The group encourages members to order stuffed bacon felt characters from a website (as we all know, few things are cuddlier than bacon) take photos of the googly-eyed bacon bits in odd situations and then upload those photos for the amusement of all, so bacon fans can see, well, "what bacon do."

My favorite posted photo features bacon going on a bender, but bacon stealing your kidney was a close second. Oh , the things bacon do! Naughty, naughty bacon.

Please do not confuse What Do Bacon Do? with the groups, What Would Kevin Bacon Do? or So What Do Canadians Call Bacon? Those groups stand on their own merit.

2. LOL is Not a Word and Punctuation Mark Faces are Still Not Funny

The founder of this group writes, "I can't bear it any longer. I have the utmost contempt for idiots who litter their sentences with 'lol' and make those utterly shit faces using punctuation marks." Of course, he lives in England, so this is understood.

I have to admit that I was not big on lols or punctuation faces for a long time, but I assimilated and learned that, annoying or not, they serve important purposes on Facebook.

For instance, those little punctuation faces have power! A friend and I recently discussed how this little fella', ;) , allows you to say ANYTHING and get away with it. Amazing!

For instance, "You are a total douche." is insulting and offensive. But "You are a total douche ;) " is hilarious.

And what if you don't have the time or energy to write a witty response to a hysterical update, but you still need your Facebook friend to know you care? In that case, lol is an acceptable substitute for a comment and considerably less finger effort than typing "hahahahahahahahahaha."

Think of lols as little Facebook hugs. That being said, I certainly don’t trust people who lol all the time. They've obviously been on a bender with the bacon.

3. Facebook Needs a Who Gives A Shit Button

I would join this group, but frankly, I don't give a shit.

4. Don't Wear Sandals if Your Feet are Jacked Up

I love this group almost as much as I love the group, I Don't Care How Comfortable Crocs Are, You Look Like a Dumbass.

Few things are worse than people putting their stank feet on display in sandals or flip flops. I'd honestly rather see your buttcrack. Is there a group for that? (In fact, there is! Buttcrack Awareness has 88 members dedicated to making you aware of your butt cleavage.)

5. Not Catching on Fire

At one point, this was a huge fan page with thousands of fans (it even offered t-shirts and aprons featuring the group logo), but apparently people who actually caught on fire were offended and the page was shut down. Some die-hard fans of not catching on fire apparently are trying to bring it back. We can all learn a lesson here: do not underestimate the passion of people who do not want to catch on fire.

6. Masturbation

This ode to taking matters into one's own hands has only 7,426 fans, yet there are more than 300 million Facebook users. I believe at least a few of you haven't owned up.

7. Gary Coleman is Fun-Sized

That's what I'm talkin' about, Willis. I'd like to carry little Gary around in my pocket, next to my felt bacon buddies.

Amazingly, there are 317 Facebook groups and/or fan pages dedicated to the deliciously delightful Gary Coleman. You can join Gary Coleman for President; Gary Coleman is a God; Gary Coleman is a Legend; Team Pimp Gary Coleman; and Get Gary Coleman Laid.

By comparison, there are only two Facebook groups in honor of Emmanuel Lewis, and they don't even use words like "pimp" or "boobs" in their titles. In your face, Webster!

8. Eric is Hotter Than Bill. Deal With It

Trueblood. Vampire Eric. Enough said, or group six will have 7,427 fans.

9. (my personal favorite) An Arbitrary Number of People Demanding that Some Sort of Action Be Taken

Be warned: we are 139,412 members strong, and we demand something be done about something sometime.

10. Apologies if you found my list offensive; however, 1,085,272 Facebook users are fans of Being A Smart Ass, so I'm in excellent company.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. You forgot my other two favs, "Real friends kill friends who become zombies" and the Leon-Phelps-Inspired "Whip out Everything you got ... and Do it in the Butt!!"

  3. Seriously, again, tears rolling down the cheeks with laughter. I <3 you!

  4. 1. tastes good, clogs your arteries, and makes you thirsty:?
    2. lmao:P
    3. surely the originator didn't think this one through:/ i'd join and comment; but frankly my dear bacon buddy, i don't give a shit either!
    4. i agree... keep all that is jacked up under covers... i mean cover.
    5. stop, drop, and roll doesn't work in hell.
    6. you should also take into account all those who can't walk and chew gum at the same time. you know what i mean?
    7. fess up, jenn!!! you are the originator of all 317 groups... no?
    8. nough said!
    9. this group needs to learn how to micro-manage... sounds like total chaos to me!
    10. i did:( lol, jk;) hahahahahaaaaa!!!