Thursday, March 12, 2015

Penned: The Sequel. Starring that Woman who Hordes Chocodiles

Let's try this again, shall we?

Blogging, I mean.

Writing, I mean.

Living, I mean.

I haven't been doing any of those things. Not really -- and certainly not fully.

Why not, the two of you (myself included) who still read this blog might ask?

Was it because:

(a). I was held hostage by grief after my mother's death.
(b). I was trying to save a fun and challenging -- ultimately floundering -- real job.
(c). I was easing into a second marriage (to a REPUBLICAN).
(d). I was prioritizing precious, all-too-fleeting time with my busy adolescent children.
(e). I was hording snack cakes, thanks to Hostess resurrecting my beloved Chocodiles .
(f). All of the above?

 Did you bubble in "C"? That's understandable. After all, my husband retweeted Ann Coulter the other day and still owns a Rush Limbaugh "Patriot Police" mug, in spite of his marriage to the coolest liberal woman ever (next to the glorious, wine-sipping Ruth Bader Ginsburg). Or maybe you answered "E" because you noticed I've gained 10 pounds.

The correct answer, however, is "F. All of the above". Each one, in some way, factored into my failure to pen from the porch.

But frankly, my friends, I lost my writing voice.

I lost my voice when I temporarily misplaced my confidence. I did not practice what I penned. I did not extend grace to myself, and I certainly did not believe I was enough.

I could explain why, and in time, I might. Let's just say, for now, that we all have crosses to bear in life, and I am bearing mine. I have tried to carry it all gracefully, and most importantly, sanely. There are days that takes everything I have. While lugging around my past, my burdens, my regrets, my misgivings and my fears, I muted my muse. I stopped writing.

I convinced myself that I did not have anything important or unique to say, that my words didn't matter to anyone. I started to believe all the negative things my inner critics were shouting -- the bastards -- and I quit on my muse. She was here, waiting for me to match the work with the inspiration, and I flipped her the bird.

Admittedly, I also spent too much time on social media and Netflix. In my defense, Orange is the New Black is the shiz. (Related: Netflix is convinced I'm a black lesbian. If only, Netflix. If. Only.)

But you know what? I forgive myself.

No matter what life threw my way, I woke up every day, planted two feet firmly on the floor and tried to find the good. Over and over, I did this. Every. Day. That counts, friends. That counts big-time. We should congratulate more people for standing up each day. There are days that is as monumental as climbing Everest.

Fortunately, I'm strong. My mama didn't raise weenies. I'm also a Taurus, and while I don't subscribe to astrology, I am incredibly stubborn and bullish. If I believe in something, I fight for it.

Did I give up Chocodiles? No. Did Chocodiles return to store shelves? Yes. Did I remove the seats from my minivan to buy every box in the Tri-state area? Yes. Do my jeans fit? No.  Did I have a point to make? That remains to be seen.

But that is what the Porch is for, isn't it? Seeing if I have any points to make? Even if I don't say anything wise, I can at least, maybe, make someone, somewhere, feel something. Perhaps that something is "Why did I read this dribble?" But that's okay. It still means that I showed up and tried to connect what is my head to your heart. That matters to me.

Writing is my calling. I might find other jobs to pay the bills, but I am my truest, best self when I write.

I like to filter the world through words; sift through the junk drawers of my mind; and pull out whatever is in there -- whether it is silly, embarrassing, heavy or dusty. And I can explain those double-A batteries in the nightstand of my head. They go in the TV remote for my brain's Hugh Jackman channel.

I want to blog again, even though I probably won't get a book deal from it. Or write "you guys" enough. Or use the F-word gratuitously (mainly because I still literally say "the F-word", and that's pretty wordy). Check this: I won't even tell you how to parent. Therefore, it is unlikely the Porch will  draw in thousands of followers. I don't care. It's still a great place to romp and roam and stretch my creative muscles.

I didn't give up on delicious, chocolate-dipped Twinkie flesh, and I won't give up on my calling. In addition to blogging, I'm dabbling in poetry, memoirs and other ventures. As the floodgates opened, I even began fleshing out a manuscript idea that I don't hate. Perhaps I'll gather the courage soon to send my words out into the places where people pay writers.

If Hostess can bring back my beloved snack cake, anything could happen.

In the meantime, I hope you'll return to the Porch and sit a spell. I've missed you.


  1. I'm so glad you've returned to the porch! I'll be stopping by!

  2. kindred spirits... perhaps? i love this; you've inspired me. dxxx