Project Duh

Newsflash! Researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health completed an extensive study determining that hot dogs, bacon, salami and sausage are bad for you. And here I was preparing a bacon-wrapped hot dog stuffed in a sausage crammed into salami for the local Weight Watchers meeting. I called it the Artery Cloggy Hoggy Doggy (TM). It was gonna be, well, huge.

The HSPH study, no doubt conducted under the scrutiny of Captain Obvious, reminded me of another heavily funded study a couple of years ago that concluded men are -- and I can't quite believe this -- turned on by scantily clad women. I even saw it on CNN. Huh. At least that finally explains why my website, Hos Clothed From Head to Toe (TM), did not make me rich.

Next thing you know, the Dr. Brain E. Acks of the world are going to reveal cutting-edge studies informing us that water is wet; the sun is hot; Perez Hilton's name is actually a play on words; and shirtless Hugh Jackman melts my butter -- but not before tossing researchers lots and lots of our* hard-earned taxpayer dollars (*more like your dollars, not mine. I pay myself for this blog in donuts to avoid tax issues. And no, you cannot have 20 percent of my long john).

In the past, our astute university researchers have also determined that excessive amounts of greasy fast food have contributed to obesity; loaded handguns can be dangerous in children's hands; and Paolo Nutini is one delicious Scottish morsel. Okay. So I made up the last one.

As long as researchers are researching the ridiculous, I'd like to recommend the following studies:

• Does my diet of bacon, donuts, chocolate malts, rare Hostess snack cakes and chips that end in O (Cheetos, Fritos, Tostitos, Doritos) make my jeans tighter, or do I really just need a new dryer? Yeah. I think it's the dryer, too.
• Are Chocodiles merely "chocolate covered Twinkies", as some morons claim? I will fork over the funds for this study because true Hostess connoisseurs like myself know Chocodiles -- unlike plain ol' wannabe Twinkies -- are chocolate-coated joy, filled with creamy happiness. But I'm not biased.
• Is Sarah Palin actually Shakespeare reincarnated? Palin has invented words like "refudiate" and "ubetcha", while Shakespeare introduced words like, "baseless" and "sanctimonious" into our vocabulary - almost like he knew they could one day describe the hockey-mom-turned-politician he'd come back as.
• If Christian Bale yells "F--K!" in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Duh. Of course it does. It's Christian F--king Bale!
• Will I ever be able to actually type the complete word, "f--k" without the "--"? (I'm betting against this. It's that whole, "Jennifer Ann, you are a Southern lady. If you are sitting in a skirt, please cross your legs. And for God's sake, girl, put on panties! You're 40!" upbringing. Sigh.)
• In seventh-grade, would I have been asked to skate during the "gentleman's choice" at Skateway USA if I'd worn a bra size larger than negative-28 AAAAAA? Because I always wanted to skate to a REO Speedwagon power ballad, and no one ever asked me. Dammit. That hurts. And I can't fiiiiight this feeeeeeeling annnnnymooooore. You bastards. You know who you are.
• Do ridiculous studies lead to equally ridiculous blogging fodder? I'm going to to out on a limb with this one, and say, yes.